Unpacking - Series 1, Episode 2 The Sportsball Edition

 The next little portion of my pile is sportsball related. I included my Champ Bailey Broncos jersey. The Payton Manning jersey I have is definitely nicer, but Champ is my favorite Bronco. I like wearing jerseys. They're tough, good for layering things underneath, and easy to wash. I had to include a Cubs jersey in the bag as well. The home white one I have is really nice, so that one got the nod.

I might as well talk about the baseball caps here as well. I included a Cubs hat, of course. I selected kind of a grubby one that I wear quite a bit. It annoyed me to no end when people claimed I was a fair-weather Cubs fan during the World Series run and the year after. Yes, there were a lot of people who jumped back on the Cubs bandwagon that year, and I was happy to have them climb aboard. I had suffered plenty for many, many years leading up to that point, though. This hat has the sweat if not the blood and tears.

The other hat I chose is my Boise Hawks hat. The Hawks are now an independent minor league team after having been affiliated with the Rockies and then the Cubs. They don't make this particular hat anymore, which is why I chose it as opposed to one of my other minor league hats. I love collecting the minor league hats. They have great logos and sometimes cool stories behind the team names. If I had to reseed a new collection, I'd start it with this Hawks hat.

My Northwestern sweatshirt is in the mix here as well. I have to have a sweatshirt, and going with my alma mater seems the right way to go here. The Champion sweatshirts are always nice. My last Northwestern one lasted over twenty years. Granted, by the end it wasn't something I would really wear out of the house, but I got my use out of it and then some.

The other Northwestern article I included is my Northwestern scarf. (I should add here that I'm really kind of glad that purple is Northwestern's main color. I like purple in the wardrobe.) I don't know why scarves aren't bigger in the U.S. outside of where and when it gets very cold. Of course they are great for freezing weather, but they are useful too in merely chilly conditions. You can wrap or unwrap a scarf to regulate temperatures as needed. Chic Europeans understand this. I'd probably prefer a slightly lighter weight one for regular use, but this one does the trick, and is purple!

I'm bringing four pairs of socks. Now, should I wind up in Florida I probably won't wear socks at all, as I spend all my time in flip-flops. If I only have my bag of stuff, I'll have to pick up some flip-flops as well, because I didn't pack any! I think these four pairs of socks will cover me for whatever I need, though. I am wearing my shark socks. I actually have several pairs of shark socks. These ones are blue and remind me that some days you need to be a shark, just like some days you need to be Flash Gordon. They didn't work all that great today in that regard, to be honest, but they did keep my feet relatively warm. I did pack a warmer pair - SmartWool ski socks. SmartWool socks are pricey but worth it. I've had this pair many, many years and while they've worn pretty thin in places, there are no little holes for my toes to peek out and embarrass me in the airport after going through TSA. (Who am I kidding? I don't take off my shoes like some sort of pleb. I have TSA-Pre!) Those socks are black, though it'd probably be better if I packed a pair of black dress socks as well. Anyway, I needed a brown pair to fill out the triumverate of men's solid sock colors. I chose a brown pair with flamingos on them. Flamingos remind me of Florida.

I chose a couple pairs of non-descript boxer-briefs since going commando for an extended period is kind of eh... stinky. The only thing to say generally is that they are boxer-briefs. I prefer those, particularly to run in. I do have to mention the shark underwear though. Sense there is a theme here? Yeah these ones have some pretty ferocious great whites on them. Also, they have this kind of front packet that is supposed to give the jewels some support. It's a little gimicky. The important thing is that there are sharks.

I put one dress shirt in. Well, it's long-sleeved and has buttons, so sort of dress shirt ish. It's a genuine Rockmount shirt, brown with hops leaves and flowers embroidered in green along with the mother-of-pearl snaps. If you visit Denver, you need to visit the Rockmount shop downtown near the train station. The shirts are awesome and true originals. They are not cheap and with the embroidery, you really have to have them professionally cleaned. But if you ever have an issue with one, you can just take it in to them and they will fix it while you wait. I love them. They create an exceptional product and then back it with great customer service. I have a couple other shirts from them. One is a similar western shirt, but more traditional with swallows in red and white on a black shirt. That one doesn't fit as well as this one and isn't quite as unusual.

I'll finish out unpacking my clothing by talking about the jeans. I packed a pair of plain navy-blue Levi's 501's. For the past couple years, I've only bought 501s, though in different colors, cuts, and sizes. The main reason is that 501s are built to last. I've had Lucky brand jeans. They are expensive and super-comfortable and wear out inside two years. I have 501s that I'm not even super fond of the color anymore, but they will never, ever, ever wear out, so I feel kind of stuck with them. Plus 501s are just cool, and some day I plan on being cool.

That isn't a whole lot of clothing. I should have thrown in a pair of shorts, but nothing was really bringing me joy. No swimsuit because the good swimsuits are down in FL and anyway, I'd rather have an excuse to go naked. (I'd be a nudist if I could.) I should probably throw in another pair of 501s. I also have a ton of dress shirts that I really do like, but they are all still hanging in dry cleaning bags from 2019. I really am hoping that we will have more opportunities to "dress up" again in 2022 and that my nice clothes and shoes can make a reappearance. For now though, I gave the space over to books.

To be continued

Unpacking; series 1, episode 1

 This entry is really as much anticipated by myself as it probably is by any of you. I've been looking forward to writing it, but this virus has really slowed me down. I'm in a brain fog owing either to the virus directly or to the enormous amount of guaifenesin in my bloodstream. So, if this isn't the most coherent blog entry, I'm blaming it on Covid. Let's try and get started anyway.

First, let me say that it is fortunate that I have a pretty awesome bag to pack full in the first place. Even if I were simply making a list of prized possessions, I would include this carryon bag (https://www.nordstrom.com/s/briggs-riley-28-inch-expandable-wheeled-trunk/5447358?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=001). In packing it for this, the Inaugural Packing of the Bag, it was very nice that it expands out and that I could really tug on the zippers without being afraid of wrecking them.

I'm not exactly sure where to start with writing this. I have everything laid out on the living room floor, so I think I will attempt to proceed in a somewhat organized manner at one edge of this pile and proceed through writing about an article and then putting it away. This is going to be a long, probably wordy process. I could condense some of this, but I need to remind myself that I am writing this for the purpose of comparing this in subsequent years and for my own posterity. So I apologize for the detail. Also, in putting this bag together several other blog ideas came to me like why I left out certain items or things that it has occurred to me to improve on for next year. So I hopefully will have a bunch of blog entries to come out of this rather than trying to fit all this into one entry. (I can already tell that what would make this entry much better would be a good editor. Blame the Covid.)

The first items to come off the pile then are a couple of t-shirts. Both are white and interestingly have colored cuffs on the necks and sleeves. One has navy cuffs and says "I <3 Toxic Waste". It's a joke. I don't really love toxic waste. It was the same one (I mean, not the exact same one, but a replica) work by Val Kilmer's character in the movie "Real Genius". The t-shirt reminds me of that movie and brings me joy. It reminds me of a friend's advice to not shrink from our talents. I feel like maybe if I dress like a "genius" it will help me to feel smart on days when I might need it. While I'm a proud member of Mensa, I didn't really relate to the characters in the movie (certainly not the Kilmer character) so much as it reminds me of the true genius friends I have made. Back when the movie was popular it reminded me of my friends from Center for Talent Development. Now it reminds me of Mensa friends in Firehouse - what a bunch of weirdo, rebel, misfits we are; don't fuck with us though!

The second shirt is cuffed in red and is my Flash Gordon t-shirt. As a kid I was into comic books the same as most other kids. I liked Superfriends. I had Superman underoos. Flash Gordon to me was a different kind of hero. He didn't have super powers beyond what one would need to be the starting quarterback for the New York Jets. (Feel free to insert your own Jets joke here.) Just a mortal dude saving the universe by beaning bad guys in the heads with melons. The Marvel Universe just won't compare to the Flash Gordon movie of my youth (and one of the greatest movie soundtracks ever recorded). The Flash Gordon shirt is my underoos holdover for when I need to feel like a super hero.

A third t-shirt that isn't pictured because it is currently in the wash is the now infamous "Bennifer" shirt. Lots of reasons for this one: It is a reminder of the best day ever, it includes my anniversary date so that I won't forget it, it amuses me how Jen and I came up with the idea (thanks, Ben Affleck's SNL monologue), it's the trivia team uniform (no, I don't think I would actually wear it to trivia), and it is black in contrast to these other two white t-shirts.

I packed a couple of workout shirts. One is from the Colfax half-marathon that I did with my brother. I really like the half-marathon distance. I have probably mentioned that in this blog before. The other is a tech shirt from the Pat's Run race I did virtually after reading the book about Pat Tillman. While Flash Gordon is my make-believe super hero, the U.S. Marines have been my real life super heroes. I wanted to be Flash as a kid and I wish I could be a Marine as an adult. If you know my ROTC past, you know I didn't actually go down that road. When it comes down to it, I don't regret it - I'm where I am supposed to be in life, and the USMC wasn't where I was supposed to be - however, part of me still wishes I had what it took to do it at the time. I greatly admire the men and women who do have what it takes to be a Marine, and Pat Tillman epitomizes that to me. He was a complicated person who loved his country but not always everything that it did. Pat Tillman didn't blindly love everything about the United States, particularly the federal government, but he was willing to sacrifice absolutely everything in order to protect it. I love all that he stands for and how he stands in for every Marine and servicemember who is willing to sacrifice even several years of their lives.

(Boy, this is really going to take a long time to get through. That's okay. It means I won't need to turn to some random writing prompt in order to get my words down each morning, for a while. Normally I think I'd prefer to keep these entries right around 1000 words, but I think I will add one more, because I don't want to end on something so schmaltzy as my love of Marines.)

The last article I'll talk about for now is the Dexter Kill Shirt. The Kill Shirt is a long sleeved thermal "fatigue-style" shirt that Dexter typically wore when he was stalking his victims in the original series. If it were something that was still being made, I would have left it, as it is just a bit too small on me. The company that made it was a truly terrible company called American Apparel. I actually had qualms buying the shirt initially because of that, but karma caught up with them anyway. I wouldn't mind the shirt being too small if it were too small to fit over my buff, rather than chunky, frame. I tell myself I will get into that sort of shape again one day. It's also incredibly utilitarian. lightweight but with long sleeves so is perfect for layering. The reason I keep it, though, goes with the theme of why I kept most the clothes I kept. I wear it when shit needs to get taken care of. I wear it because of how it makes me feel - not like a serial killer, but like someone who is going to get shit accomplished today regardless of what it takes.

To be continued

Pack a Bag

I'm not a big fan of the Holidays. It isn't that I dislike them, but that I really haven't looked forward to them much since I was a kid. One of the reasons for that, I believe, is that I've really never established some of those holiday traditions that many people look forward to. I do not mean to get into the reasons for that here; it's just to set the context for what I was thinking last week when an idea sprung to mind.

I had an idea last week that something that might be a good exercise at the end of the year would be to pack a bag. I've gotten relatively good over this past year of packing everything I think I will need for a week or two into one carry-on and one "personal item" (a laptop case). I say "relatively good" because that is in relation to how terrible I used to be at it. I've generally learned to follow the "less-is-more" and "you aren't going to need it (YAGNI)" maxims. If I discover I forgot to pack something I might need (this past year that included t-shirts and underwear) it's simple enough to just run out and get it. It's been much better, I've found, to run out and get what I may have forgotten as opposed to packing way too much as I used to.

(I should add the small caveat that there are a few things like eyeglasses and medicines that it's much better to not forget. Also for me, forgetting some piece of apparel is much easier to swallow if there is a Nordstrom or Nordstrom Rack nearby. I can make do with a J.C. Penny's or Target as well. If I really have to, I'll take my chances by paying a hobo to go into a Kohl's or Walmart to purchase something for me if I'm seriously desperate.)

Back to this genius thought of mine - So what if I had to pack a bag of all the personal possessions I wanted to keep? I like the idea of condensing down everything I own to what I can personally carry. Living part-time in the condo gives both Jen and I this desire to want to pare down. In a small space, you find you can get by with less. I also am a bit nostalgic for the days when I did minimalist camping, packing everything into a backpack. It simply struck me that it might be an interesting exercise to pack a bag of anything I wanted to keep on New Year's Eve each year and see how maybe that changed year to year.

There are a few assumptions:

First, Jen and Buck both have legs and can carry their own bags, so I can already assume they are coming with and I don't need to find a really big bag. For Bucky we've already determined that would be little saddlebags that fit over his back. One side would have a big chicken breast in it and the other would be stuffed with mini tennis balls.

Second, I'm assuming I have enough cash/credit and that the destination will have a Target for whatever necessities might get left behind (I'm still taking eyeglasses and medications enough for the short-term.)

Third, I'm assuming that I don't know my ultimate destination, but also that I can wear somewhat appropriate clothes to at least get me there. That is, I won't simply assume that I will just end up in Cape Canaveral and so don't need to pack anything I may want but already have there. I similarly won't assume I will end up in Antarctica and need to plan for that kind of voyage. Assuming a destination could change year to year, which would affect what I'd pack and kind of defeat the exercise. I'm assuming I'll have on appropriate clothes for travelling in including probably a non-distinct sweater or sweatshirt and jacket. If there is some special one that I want to ensure to take, I will put that into the bag. I'm also assuming that my wallet and passport will be on my person.

Fourth, I'm going to assume for right now that I am going to pack my standard rolling carry-on. Just the one bag. I'm assuming it need to be something that I can carry or at least roll down the street and that I can get onto most forms of public transportation. There are larger things that I might want to take. I am thinking specifically of my bike. I love my bike and would really hate leaving it behind. However, if I REALLY loved my bike enough I might forgo everything else and get one of those bags you can put a disassembled bike into so long as that were the only thing I took. That's not the case here, at least this year. (If I were getting more complex, I'd probably plan on making my escape on bike and packing that with all my possessions, but I want to keep this simple.)

Fifth, I'm going to assume I have an appropriate amount of time to get these things together and also assume that they are things I already possess. No placing orders on Amazon to get some wireless earbuds I always wanted or something. In light of the fires that swept through Superior and Louisville, this seems a particularly good year to try this exercise, but I don't want to equate this with the tragedy those people are facing. The flames yesterday moved astoundingly fast giving people no time to even grab bags in some cases, let alone go through some thought exercise of what they would or wouldn't keep. And it isn't like these are things that I would pack a bag for just in case I faced something as horrible as what those people faced and are facing. Yes, this is an exercise in appreciating what one has, even little things. The fires last night, instead of being some admonishment for putting value in things like having a nice home and comfortable bed, should be a reminder to us of how quickly possessions can be taken away. It's useful to think, "What would I save if the house were on fire," in doing this exercise, but I really want to stress that I realize that people in that situation weren't actually given much choice. 

With that, I am going to wrap up this entry and work on packing my bag. I'll let you know what I came up with in my next entry.

A New Space

I created a new blog: https://ataleof2towns.blogspot.com/. I figured I could use a place to try and focus what I write about a bit. Maybe a new space will let me focus. Maybe it will give me new motivation for writing. Anyway, check it out.

I'll still most definitely use this blog. I don't want to clutter up my new space with the trash I tend to post here! ;)

I've Never Been to the Galapagos

 I just got done with an inspiring Leadership Open Space virtual conference with my colleagues at Nordstrom. One of the topics that came up is How do we continue or transfer the Nordstrom culture to a new working environment post-pandemic?

Nordstrom has a culture that in my view is heavily influenced by two principles. First, if you know or have read anything about Nordstrom culture and certainly if you are one of our loyal customers, you know that Nordstrom culture starts with how we treat our customers in the store. Our store employees are truly customer obsessed. The second principle is that as large as Nordstrom is, it is still a family business. The Nordstroms sit on the board, are key stockholders, and hold chief officer roles. More than that, though, they have a genuine care for us as employees just as when their great-grandfather began the store. My first meeting as a Nordstrom manager was with all the other engineering managers, over 200 of us, in a ballroom in the Four Seasons in Seattle overlooking the sound. Blake Nordstrom reminisced about how that meeting had been previously held as a barbecue at his home and lamented a bit that it couldn't still be that way. (The Four Seasons doesn't suck, though.)

Like other corporations, Nordstrom is beginning to think about what the workplace will look like post-pandemic. I believe it is certain to say that we are not all going back to our prairie dog villages of cubicles in big office buildings. As a manager, I am looking to fill open developer positions and am not just looking local to Denver here. I already support contractors in every timezone in the U.S. not to mention in India, and don't see a reason to change that. My belief is that many companies will adopt some sort of hybrid solution with employees "hot desking" (a number of employees co-sharing a group of desks) and making use of conference rooms for meetings where collaboration is especially effective, but otherwise working remotely. 

Like I said, Nordstrom has a very specific culture. A culture unlike other places I've worked. With our group being in Denver and Nordstrom HQ in Seattle, we used to have engineers go out to Seattle almost expressly so they could get a better sense of what the Nordstrom corporate culture is. Now that kind of travel is no more, and likely won't be again. Plus  with even many in Seattle contemplating working remotely and with us finding tech talent in other areas of the country, the question put forward today was, how do we continue that culture in the future? We had a breakout session on this topic, and after 45 minutes the surprising answer I think we came to is "We don't." We don't continue this same culture; we evolve it. We keep what is good, we throw out what just won't work anymore, and we evolve the rest to fit our new environment.

I sort of joked with my Seattle counterparts that part of the Nordstrom culture, being an outsider from a corporate perspective, is wandering around downtown Seattle trying to figure out in which building you are supposed to be meeting someone. The buildings are One, 805, 864, and 865. One is easy: That's the flagship store and there are offices above that. 805, 864, and 865 are not addresses. Those are "store numbers" as well. You would think that at the very least 864 would be next to 865, but you would be wrong! 865 is next to 805, and 804 is a good fifteen minute walk away. (Twenty if you are going in the other direction because it is uphill!) I mean, how are we ever going to replicate that sense of frustration that every Nordstrom employee must have realizing they are in the wrong building for a meeting starting NOW?!

I think we go back to the essence and the principles that made Blake wish he could invite us all back to his place. We start with being customer obsessed. As internal service providers and as people managers we recognize that being customer obsessed means being obsessed with making sure that our store employees can do their very best job and that our digital storefront performs its very best. Then we continue to treat each other as family as we've tried to manage staying close to our own families through this time. We get creative in including them even when we can't all be together. We take time out to check in on each other. We recognize that sometimes we are just going to have some bad days, and that is okay. 

There WILL be a new environment coming whether it is this summer or fall and we need to evolve with that changing environment.

You, Super Hero

 A couple weeks ago, I had the thought that I hadn't really followed up with just how I was doing after my last blog post. I had heard from a good number of people, particularly co-workers expressing sympathy, empathy, and a surprising amount of gratitude for having spoke out about my troubles with depression and alcohol. I thought then that I should give an update saying I am doing well and that everything was going marvelously. It seemingly was, but after 78 days sober I fell off the wagon. Fell off the wagon and hit every branch on the way down, if I may mix metaphors.

Humbling. "That isn't going to be me! I've got this thing licked! I'm not like other people who inevitably go back to drinking." I'm sure all those people tell themselves the same thing. There is a lot of shame, A LOT, not only when you can't keep a promise to yourself, but can't keep one to people who love you and people who believe in you. And you wake up the next morning with your head pounding and sweating out whatever water still remains in your body and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.

So you start a new streak. 

Every day we are afforded new opportunities. We can wake up with that hangover and we can choose to pour ourselves a screwdriver, a little hair of the dog, to make it through, or we can steel ourselves, make ourselves better and fight on. We can choose to procrastinate that task we just don't want to do one more day, or we can roll up our sleeves, get up on that ladder, and finally get those Christmas lights put away. (Am I getting too specific here?) 

They called my grandparents' generation the Greatest Generation. Why was that? They lived through one if not two world wars, a Great Depression, a bunch of other depressions or recessions that weren't so great, and a Cold War. They weren't great for not making mistakes, but man, they sure owned up to them. (As a generation, I mean. Individual results may vary.)

There are still a lot of people hurting from this pandemic. A lot of people I know feel pretty isolated. A lot of people who are angry and a lot of people who are sad. Keep reaching out to people. Your super power might be as simple as texting someone that you are thinking about them. Something so simple can save a life.

Man's Search for Meaning

 I spent last weekend in the hospital, a psychiatric center to be more precise, for "suicidal ideation". First of all, I'm okay, am back home, and am in an intensive outpatient program getting the help I need. In the words of Robin Williams playing the role of John Keating in "Dead Poets Society", let me dispel a few rumors so they don't fester into facts. (Not that I think there are rumors flying about, but I just like the opportunity to quote that movie.) I did not hurt myself nor anyone else. I did not attempt to hurt myself nor anyone else. I was severely depressed exacerbated by drinking too much the night before. I did not know what to do and Jen did not know what to do, so I asked her to take me to the Emergency Room. No psychotic break, no craziness per se, just overwhelming depression, and I knew I needed professional help.

I'm afraid to post this anywhere. I am afraid of what my family will think. This isn't the first time my close family has witnessed this struggle with me, but mostly they are much further away now. I am afraid of what friends and acquaintances will think. I've burned or singed a number of friendships in the past by throwing alcohol on smoldering depression. I'm afraid of what of what my coworkers will think, particularly those I support as a manager. Coincidentally, or perhaps not so coincidentally, last Thursday I attended a meeting through Nordstrom keynoted by the CEO of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, Dan Gillison. The idea was that though there is still a strong stigma with mental health, we need to provide a work environment where it is safe to admit you live with a mental illness, whether it is the employee themselves or someone they care for. I'm also looking at the "Nordstrom Competencies" and smack in the middle are two: "Has Courage" and "Develops People". So I think it is important to admit that I live with chronic depression.

While I am not ready to discuss details of my own experiences, including those of the last week, I want to turn this into something ultimately positive. I know people are struggling with working at home, maybe with a job change, maybe just not being able to see friends and family, maybe with this upcoming election that seems to have everyone depressed. Looking back now I realize what a dark place I was in, but it was as if someone just gradually dimmed the lights over the past six or seven months since the Covid lockdowns began. If you are in a similar place I encourage you to reach out to family, friends, or a crisis hotline. I have to admit I've used those in the past, and the people on the other side of the line are very good at just listening.

I'm sorry. I am not apologizing that I have this disease or that I ended up in the hospital because of it. I am sorry because I knew I had a problem, and I thought I could deal with it on my own. I thought I was better than every other person that has had to deal with depression and alcoholism, and that wasn't fair to my wife, to my family, to the friends I lost, to the friends that stuck by me, and to my work. I am fortunate and glad I have people who do stick by me and glad I have the means to fight to get better. There are people out there who don't. Send up a prayer for them.