Unpacking; series 1, episode 1

 This entry is really as much anticipated by myself as it probably is by any of you. I've been looking forward to writing it, but this virus has really slowed me down. I'm in a brain fog owing either to the virus directly or to the enormous amount of guaifenesin in my bloodstream. So, if this isn't the most coherent blog entry, I'm blaming it on Covid. Let's try and get started anyway.

First, let me say that it is fortunate that I have a pretty awesome bag to pack full in the first place. Even if I were simply making a list of prized possessions, I would include this carryon bag (https://www.nordstrom.com/s/briggs-riley-28-inch-expandable-wheeled-trunk/5447358?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=001). In packing it for this, the Inaugural Packing of the Bag, it was very nice that it expands out and that I could really tug on the zippers without being afraid of wrecking them.

I'm not exactly sure where to start with writing this. I have everything laid out on the living room floor, so I think I will attempt to proceed in a somewhat organized manner at one edge of this pile and proceed through writing about an article and then putting it away. This is going to be a long, probably wordy process. I could condense some of this, but I need to remind myself that I am writing this for the purpose of comparing this in subsequent years and for my own posterity. So I apologize for the detail. Also, in putting this bag together several other blog ideas came to me like why I left out certain items or things that it has occurred to me to improve on for next year. So I hopefully will have a bunch of blog entries to come out of this rather than trying to fit all this into one entry. (I can already tell that what would make this entry much better would be a good editor. Blame the Covid.)

The first items to come off the pile then are a couple of t-shirts. Both are white and interestingly have colored cuffs on the necks and sleeves. One has navy cuffs and says "I <3 Toxic Waste". It's a joke. I don't really love toxic waste. It was the same one (I mean, not the exact same one, but a replica) work by Val Kilmer's character in the movie "Real Genius". The t-shirt reminds me of that movie and brings me joy. It reminds me of a friend's advice to not shrink from our talents. I feel like maybe if I dress like a "genius" it will help me to feel smart on days when I might need it. While I'm a proud member of Mensa, I didn't really relate to the characters in the movie (certainly not the Kilmer character) so much as it reminds me of the true genius friends I have made. Back when the movie was popular it reminded me of my friends from Center for Talent Development. Now it reminds me of Mensa friends in Firehouse - what a bunch of weirdo, rebel, misfits we are; don't fuck with us though!

The second shirt is cuffed in red and is my Flash Gordon t-shirt. As a kid I was into comic books the same as most other kids. I liked Superfriends. I had Superman underoos. Flash Gordon to me was a different kind of hero. He didn't have super powers beyond what one would need to be the starting quarterback for the New York Jets. (Feel free to insert your own Jets joke here.) Just a mortal dude saving the universe by beaning bad guys in the heads with melons. The Marvel Universe just won't compare to the Flash Gordon movie of my youth (and one of the greatest movie soundtracks ever recorded). The Flash Gordon shirt is my underoos holdover for when I need to feel like a super hero.

A third t-shirt that isn't pictured because it is currently in the wash is the now infamous "Bennifer" shirt. Lots of reasons for this one: It is a reminder of the best day ever, it includes my anniversary date so that I won't forget it, it amuses me how Jen and I came up with the idea (thanks, Ben Affleck's SNL monologue), it's the trivia team uniform (no, I don't think I would actually wear it to trivia), and it is black in contrast to these other two white t-shirts.

I packed a couple of workout shirts. One is from the Colfax half-marathon that I did with my brother. I really like the half-marathon distance. I have probably mentioned that in this blog before. The other is a tech shirt from the Pat's Run race I did virtually after reading the book about Pat Tillman. While Flash Gordon is my make-believe super hero, the U.S. Marines have been my real life super heroes. I wanted to be Flash as a kid and I wish I could be a Marine as an adult. If you know my ROTC past, you know I didn't actually go down that road. When it comes down to it, I don't regret it - I'm where I am supposed to be in life, and the USMC wasn't where I was supposed to be - however, part of me still wishes I had what it took to do it at the time. I greatly admire the men and women who do have what it takes to be a Marine, and Pat Tillman epitomizes that to me. He was a complicated person who loved his country but not always everything that it did. Pat Tillman didn't blindly love everything about the United States, particularly the federal government, but he was willing to sacrifice absolutely everything in order to protect it. I love all that he stands for and how he stands in for every Marine and servicemember who is willing to sacrifice even several years of their lives.

(Boy, this is really going to take a long time to get through. That's okay. It means I won't need to turn to some random writing prompt in order to get my words down each morning, for a while. Normally I think I'd prefer to keep these entries right around 1000 words, but I think I will add one more, because I don't want to end on something so schmaltzy as my love of Marines.)

The last article I'll talk about for now is the Dexter Kill Shirt. The Kill Shirt is a long sleeved thermal "fatigue-style" shirt that Dexter typically wore when he was stalking his victims in the original series. If it were something that was still being made, I would have left it, as it is just a bit too small on me. The company that made it was a truly terrible company called American Apparel. I actually had qualms buying the shirt initially because of that, but karma caught up with them anyway. I wouldn't mind the shirt being too small if it were too small to fit over my buff, rather than chunky, frame. I tell myself I will get into that sort of shape again one day. It's also incredibly utilitarian. lightweight but with long sleeves so is perfect for layering. The reason I keep it, though, goes with the theme of why I kept most the clothes I kept. I wear it when shit needs to get taken care of. I wear it because of how it makes me feel - not like a serial killer, but like someone who is going to get shit accomplished today regardless of what it takes.

To be continued

Pack a Bag

I'm not a big fan of the Holidays. It isn't that I dislike them, but that I really haven't looked forward to them much since I was a kid. One of the reasons for that, I believe, is that I've really never established some of those holiday traditions that many people look forward to. I do not mean to get into the reasons for that here; it's just to set the context for what I was thinking last week when an idea sprung to mind.

I had an idea last week that something that might be a good exercise at the end of the year would be to pack a bag. I've gotten relatively good over this past year of packing everything I think I will need for a week or two into one carry-on and one "personal item" (a laptop case). I say "relatively good" because that is in relation to how terrible I used to be at it. I've generally learned to follow the "less-is-more" and "you aren't going to need it (YAGNI)" maxims. If I discover I forgot to pack something I might need (this past year that included t-shirts and underwear) it's simple enough to just run out and get it. It's been much better, I've found, to run out and get what I may have forgotten as opposed to packing way too much as I used to.

(I should add the small caveat that there are a few things like eyeglasses and medicines that it's much better to not forget. Also for me, forgetting some piece of apparel is much easier to swallow if there is a Nordstrom or Nordstrom Rack nearby. I can make do with a J.C. Penny's or Target as well. If I really have to, I'll take my chances by paying a hobo to go into a Kohl's or Walmart to purchase something for me if I'm seriously desperate.)

Back to this genius thought of mine - So what if I had to pack a bag of all the personal possessions I wanted to keep? I like the idea of condensing down everything I own to what I can personally carry. Living part-time in the condo gives both Jen and I this desire to want to pare down. In a small space, you find you can get by with less. I also am a bit nostalgic for the days when I did minimalist camping, packing everything into a backpack. It simply struck me that it might be an interesting exercise to pack a bag of anything I wanted to keep on New Year's Eve each year and see how maybe that changed year to year.

There are a few assumptions:

First, Jen and Buck both have legs and can carry their own bags, so I can already assume they are coming with and I don't need to find a really big bag. For Bucky we've already determined that would be little saddlebags that fit over his back. One side would have a big chicken breast in it and the other would be stuffed with mini tennis balls.

Second, I'm assuming I have enough cash/credit and that the destination will have a Target for whatever necessities might get left behind (I'm still taking eyeglasses and medications enough for the short-term.)

Third, I'm assuming that I don't know my ultimate destination, but also that I can wear somewhat appropriate clothes to at least get me there. That is, I won't simply assume that I will just end up in Cape Canaveral and so don't need to pack anything I may want but already have there. I similarly won't assume I will end up in Antarctica and need to plan for that kind of voyage. Assuming a destination could change year to year, which would affect what I'd pack and kind of defeat the exercise. I'm assuming I'll have on appropriate clothes for travelling in including probably a non-distinct sweater or sweatshirt and jacket. If there is some special one that I want to ensure to take, I will put that into the bag. I'm also assuming that my wallet and passport will be on my person.

Fourth, I'm going to assume for right now that I am going to pack my standard rolling carry-on. Just the one bag. I'm assuming it need to be something that I can carry or at least roll down the street and that I can get onto most forms of public transportation. There are larger things that I might want to take. I am thinking specifically of my bike. I love my bike and would really hate leaving it behind. However, if I REALLY loved my bike enough I might forgo everything else and get one of those bags you can put a disassembled bike into so long as that were the only thing I took. That's not the case here, at least this year. (If I were getting more complex, I'd probably plan on making my escape on bike and packing that with all my possessions, but I want to keep this simple.)

Fifth, I'm going to assume I have an appropriate amount of time to get these things together and also assume that they are things I already possess. No placing orders on Amazon to get some wireless earbuds I always wanted or something. In light of the fires that swept through Superior and Louisville, this seems a particularly good year to try this exercise, but I don't want to equate this with the tragedy those people are facing. The flames yesterday moved astoundingly fast giving people no time to even grab bags in some cases, let alone go through some thought exercise of what they would or wouldn't keep. And it isn't like these are things that I would pack a bag for just in case I faced something as horrible as what those people faced and are facing. Yes, this is an exercise in appreciating what one has, even little things. The fires last night, instead of being some admonishment for putting value in things like having a nice home and comfortable bed, should be a reminder to us of how quickly possessions can be taken away. It's useful to think, "What would I save if the house were on fire," in doing this exercise, but I really want to stress that I realize that people in that situation weren't actually given much choice. 

With that, I am going to wrap up this entry and work on packing my bag. I'll let you know what I came up with in my next entry.

A New Space

I created a new blog: https://ataleof2towns.blogspot.com/. I figured I could use a place to try and focus what I write about a bit. Maybe a new space will let me focus. Maybe it will give me new motivation for writing. Anyway, check it out.

I'll still most definitely use this blog. I don't want to clutter up my new space with the trash I tend to post here! ;)

I've Never Been to the Galapagos

 I just got done with an inspiring Leadership Open Space virtual conference with my colleagues at Nordstrom. One of the topics that came up is How do we continue or transfer the Nordstrom culture to a new working environment post-pandemic?

Nordstrom has a culture that in my view is heavily influenced by two principles. First, if you know or have read anything about Nordstrom culture and certainly if you are one of our loyal customers, you know that Nordstrom culture starts with how we treat our customers in the store. Our store employees are truly customer obsessed. The second principle is that as large as Nordstrom is, it is still a family business. The Nordstroms sit on the board, are key stockholders, and hold chief officer roles. More than that, though, they have a genuine care for us as employees just as when their great-grandfather began the store. My first meeting as a Nordstrom manager was with all the other engineering managers, over 200 of us, in a ballroom in the Four Seasons in Seattle overlooking the sound. Blake Nordstrom reminisced about how that meeting had been previously held as a barbecue at his home and lamented a bit that it couldn't still be that way. (The Four Seasons doesn't suck, though.)

Like other corporations, Nordstrom is beginning to think about what the workplace will look like post-pandemic. I believe it is certain to say that we are not all going back to our prairie dog villages of cubicles in big office buildings. As a manager, I am looking to fill open developer positions and am not just looking local to Denver here. I already support contractors in every timezone in the U.S. not to mention in India, and don't see a reason to change that. My belief is that many companies will adopt some sort of hybrid solution with employees "hot desking" (a number of employees co-sharing a group of desks) and making use of conference rooms for meetings where collaboration is especially effective, but otherwise working remotely. 

Like I said, Nordstrom has a very specific culture. A culture unlike other places I've worked. With our group being in Denver and Nordstrom HQ in Seattle, we used to have engineers go out to Seattle almost expressly so they could get a better sense of what the Nordstrom corporate culture is. Now that kind of travel is no more, and likely won't be again. Plus  with even many in Seattle contemplating working remotely and with us finding tech talent in other areas of the country, the question put forward today was, how do we continue that culture in the future? We had a breakout session on this topic, and after 45 minutes the surprising answer I think we came to is "We don't." We don't continue this same culture; we evolve it. We keep what is good, we throw out what just won't work anymore, and we evolve the rest to fit our new environment.

I sort of joked with my Seattle counterparts that part of the Nordstrom culture, being an outsider from a corporate perspective, is wandering around downtown Seattle trying to figure out in which building you are supposed to be meeting someone. The buildings are One, 805, 864, and 865. One is easy: That's the flagship store and there are offices above that. 805, 864, and 865 are not addresses. Those are "store numbers" as well. You would think that at the very least 864 would be next to 865, but you would be wrong! 865 is next to 805, and 804 is a good fifteen minute walk away. (Twenty if you are going in the other direction because it is uphill!) I mean, how are we ever going to replicate that sense of frustration that every Nordstrom employee must have realizing they are in the wrong building for a meeting starting NOW?!

I think we go back to the essence and the principles that made Blake wish he could invite us all back to his place. We start with being customer obsessed. As internal service providers and as people managers we recognize that being customer obsessed means being obsessed with making sure that our store employees can do their very best job and that our digital storefront performs its very best. Then we continue to treat each other as family as we've tried to manage staying close to our own families through this time. We get creative in including them even when we can't all be together. We take time out to check in on each other. We recognize that sometimes we are just going to have some bad days, and that is okay. 

There WILL be a new environment coming whether it is this summer or fall and we need to evolve with that changing environment.

You, Super Hero

 A couple weeks ago, I had the thought that I hadn't really followed up with just how I was doing after my last blog post. I had heard from a good number of people, particularly co-workers expressing sympathy, empathy, and a surprising amount of gratitude for having spoke out about my troubles with depression and alcohol. I thought then that I should give an update saying I am doing well and that everything was going marvelously. It seemingly was, but after 78 days sober I fell off the wagon. Fell off the wagon and hit every branch on the way down, if I may mix metaphors.

Humbling. "That isn't going to be me! I've got this thing licked! I'm not like other people who inevitably go back to drinking." I'm sure all those people tell themselves the same thing. There is a lot of shame, A LOT, not only when you can't keep a promise to yourself, but can't keep one to people who love you and people who believe in you. And you wake up the next morning with your head pounding and sweating out whatever water still remains in your body and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.

So you start a new streak. 

Every day we are afforded new opportunities. We can wake up with that hangover and we can choose to pour ourselves a screwdriver, a little hair of the dog, to make it through, or we can steel ourselves, make ourselves better and fight on. We can choose to procrastinate that task we just don't want to do one more day, or we can roll up our sleeves, get up on that ladder, and finally get those Christmas lights put away. (Am I getting too specific here?) 

They called my grandparents' generation the Greatest Generation. Why was that? They lived through one if not two world wars, a Great Depression, a bunch of other depressions or recessions that weren't so great, and a Cold War. They weren't great for not making mistakes, but man, they sure owned up to them. (As a generation, I mean. Individual results may vary.)

There are still a lot of people hurting from this pandemic. A lot of people I know feel pretty isolated. A lot of people who are angry and a lot of people who are sad. Keep reaching out to people. Your super power might be as simple as texting someone that you are thinking about them. Something so simple can save a life.

Man's Search for Meaning

 I spent last weekend in the hospital, a psychiatric center to be more precise, for "suicidal ideation". First of all, I'm okay, am back home, and am in an intensive outpatient program getting the help I need. In the words of Robin Williams playing the role of John Keating in "Dead Poets Society", let me dispel a few rumors so they don't fester into facts. (Not that I think there are rumors flying about, but I just like the opportunity to quote that movie.) I did not hurt myself nor anyone else. I did not attempt to hurt myself nor anyone else. I was severely depressed exacerbated by drinking too much the night before. I did not know what to do and Jen did not know what to do, so I asked her to take me to the Emergency Room. No psychotic break, no craziness per se, just overwhelming depression, and I knew I needed professional help.

I'm afraid to post this anywhere. I am afraid of what my family will think. This isn't the first time my close family has witnessed this struggle with me, but mostly they are much further away now. I am afraid of what friends and acquaintances will think. I've burned or singed a number of friendships in the past by throwing alcohol on smoldering depression. I'm afraid of what of what my coworkers will think, particularly those I support as a manager. Coincidentally, or perhaps not so coincidentally, last Thursday I attended a meeting through Nordstrom keynoted by the CEO of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, Dan Gillison. The idea was that though there is still a strong stigma with mental health, we need to provide a work environment where it is safe to admit you live with a mental illness, whether it is the employee themselves or someone they care for. I'm also looking at the "Nordstrom Competencies" and smack in the middle are two: "Has Courage" and "Develops People". So I think it is important to admit that I live with chronic depression.

While I am not ready to discuss details of my own experiences, including those of the last week, I want to turn this into something ultimately positive. I know people are struggling with working at home, maybe with a job change, maybe just not being able to see friends and family, maybe with this upcoming election that seems to have everyone depressed. Looking back now I realize what a dark place I was in, but it was as if someone just gradually dimmed the lights over the past six or seven months since the Covid lockdowns began. If you are in a similar place I encourage you to reach out to family, friends, or a crisis hotline. I have to admit I've used those in the past, and the people on the other side of the line are very good at just listening.

I'm sorry. I am not apologizing that I have this disease or that I ended up in the hospital because of it. I am sorry because I knew I had a problem, and I thought I could deal with it on my own. I thought I was better than every other person that has had to deal with depression and alcoholism, and that wasn't fair to my wife, to my family, to the friends I lost, to the friends that stuck by me, and to my work. I am fortunate and glad I have people who do stick by me and glad I have the means to fight to get better. There are people out there who don't. Send up a prayer for them.

Someone Will Make a Political Post of This

There's something just very liberating about riding a bike. I'm sure that's not the first time someone has started off a missive with that initial sentence. I'm re-reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, and he explains the same thing about a motorcycle, a different kind of bike than what I am referring to. But unlike a car, either "bike" makes you a part of the scene. In a car, you just see the scene through a frame. A motorcycle is probably a better comparison against a car. You travel the same distance more or less and go more or less along the same routes. With a bicycle you are maybe more in the scene but travelling slower and going places a gasoline powered engine can't take you, which was my experience tonight. There really is no wonder that learning to ride a bike is one of those key moments in most people's childhood.

I'm really in love with my bike and wish I rode more. Today was really the first day I've had it out all year thus far. Bicycles, like motorcycles, take a certain amount of maintenance. Bike maintenance takes a certain amount of patience. Something was wrong or is wrong with the way they seated my tubeless tire on the rim when I bought it. It has a slow leak. I was taken back to trying to replace the tubes on my previous road bike and going through three or four tubes, pinching the sidewall each time, before I gave up. Over the winter the tubeless tires on my new bike went flat (You shouldn't allow that to happen.) and I was afraid to really touch them. Plus, I've gotten back into running.

I like running. I mean, I don't really like the act of running. I like how it makes me feel afterwards. The release of endorphins and serotonin makes me feel as I imagine normal people who don't suffer from chronic depression feel. I HATE getting started running, though. Frankly, after two or three miles I start to feel a lot better. It makes it rough getting started, though, and rough getting motivated to even put on running shoes.Once I'm going, I usually like being out seeing the neighborhood. Really, though, that's about as much as you are going to see - the neighborhood. Unless you are marathon training, a run isn't going to take you much beyond what a run to the grocery store would do. A bike, on the other hand...

And getting going on a bike is actually fun! I kind of race to get out of town. Automobile drivers in Brighton aren't super keen with sharing the road with bicyclists I've found. From where we live smack in the center of town, however, one must make one's escape along the main streets. Tonight it was out Bridge St for me, which turns into Highway 7 as you leave town. Just beyond the outskirts of town, though, is Veteran's Park where you can pick up a trail that goes down along the South Platte.

This trail used to go down through Brighton along the river and then into one of those subdivisions that was new when someone thought that having biking/walking trails MIGHT be a good idea. I'm thinking 1990's. And MIGHT be a good idea was as far as anyone got with the idea, so the trail ended after about two miles.

For the past couple years, the City of Brighton has been working on extending that trail down out of town, to where the Adams County Fairgrounds, now the Adams County Regional Park, is and hooks up with another system of trails that runs all the way up the Platte to Denver and beyond. I watched the progress on that seemingly inch along until all of a sudden it was done!

It's worth the wait. Like I said, it goes along the South Platte, but also runs around these man-made lakes that are used for water retention.If you don't know Brighton you may not realize it is a very agricultural community that was essentially built on the high desert. Water is very important here. It would not surprise me if half the laws on the local books related to water rights. So there are these important little reservoirs built to feed water into a series of ditches for the surrounding farms. The new path runs along a series of these that are privately owned. However, Brighton has negotiated either to buy or work out rights to allow public access to some of these. That opens up fishing along at least one. We have A LOT of people in the area who like to fish and not a lot of area to do it, so this is really welcome. 

Also there are some nice gravel paths. I have a gravel bike. I didn't even know they made gravel bikes until a couple of years ago. I really like riding a road bike. Yes, sometimes I like imagining I'm in the Tour de France, but really I just like going from point A to point B without any fetters and doing it rather quickly. Also, for me, there isn't usually a mountain standing between point A and point B, at least not without some road winding up it. So mountain bikes are fun, but we are out here on the plains. I mean, when I go out on runs, sometimes the max elevation change is twelve feet. It is very flat out here.

So the gravel bike... you just get this feeling you can go almost anywhere. Almost anywhere. Maybe not quite up the sides of mountains. I actually found that when you try to get down to the river, the sand gets too soft for the tires I have on. However, when you are in a park and can just zoomdle diagonally across the grass, it's pretty liberating. I mean, I could fly right through a frisbee golf course, interrupting the Jack Nicklaus of frisbee golf, "Frolf" if you will, and no one would be able to catch me.

I did an easy ten miles, about five down and five back. I say "easy" though the wind blew a couple of times that I may not have really thought it was so easy. I will need to work up to the twenty-something miles it will take to get down into Denver for some Little Man Ice Cream. (UGH! Not to mention the twenty-something miles back!) And if we ever get back into the Nordstrom office again, I think conceptually I could make it down there. Starting my commute at 5 am may not be PRACTICAL however. We'll see.