I'm having a difficult time lately. It is difficult to admit, and I have been trying to hide it because I don't want people to worry. I am battling through with the skills I know I have and leaning on outside support more than I have in the past. I switched medications because I was recently diagnosed with having a mood disorder. That is that not only do I struggle with the chronic depression, I also have manic episodes mixed in. I've suspected this for a while, so it comes as no big surprise. I suspected that I have cyclothymia - think of it as a lesser form of bipolar disease. But you treat it differently than depression. In fact, the depression medication really just exacerbates the mood disorder. So I suspect that changing up the drugs plays a big part in how I've been feeling. I will say, though, that I am sleeping much better. I had horrible insomnia before, and was averaging three or four hours of sleep a night. Now I'm getting six or seven, so that makes a good deal of difference.
I just returned back from Florida, though. Back to Colorado and some frigid temperatures! I experienced going from eighty degrees to minus 10 in the matter of less than twelve hours! I was getting outside and getting sunshine in Florida. When I got breaks in my schedule, I'd take a short walk around the block. I am still recovering from bunion surgery, so had only worked up to about 5000 steps per day while in Cape Canaveral. Still, I was getting out. The sun is shining nice and bright here in Denver, but I have no inclination to get out in the cold and snow. That rat bastard Punxsutawney Phil did not improve my mood any on that front this morning! So, the weather along with the constant nose bleeds certainly has something to do with my mood.
It's more than that, though, being back in Colorado. In Florida the possessions that surround me are fairly sparse. We live in a small space, so there is not a lot of room for having extra "stuff" just lying around. There is less to distract my attention from what the ambitious side of me wants to be doing. My fat, lazy self is perfectly content with finding distractions here in Colorado, not to mention sitting and watching television or scrolling through social media. Those last two are in no short supply in Florida, so I have to think it is just not the "stuff" that distracts me. There is even more to it.
Some, I suspect, is Covid-related. Something about getting into bad habits at the outset of Covid that I haven't really broken. I didn't need to shower and get dressed if I didn't want to. I could go to the fridge and snack any time I wanted to. I could make my workspace as messy as I wanted without annoying any coworkers other than Buck who I annoy by not having a space on the futon in my office for him to lay down on.I suspect some of you had a similar experience.
Those bad habits have been tough to shake, but I made new habits in Florida. Healthier habits, like taking a little walk when I had a break in work. Or like sitting down with a book rather than flipping on the television. Our habits definitely have a contextual element to them. Our surroundings play a big part of the habits we create. I need to shake off some of those bad habits that I created here in Colorado. It's tough to do!
I have gotten very interested in habits in the past couple years. Habits are mental shortcuts we make. Without them, our brains would be overloaded with what action to take next. Can you imagine how your drive home from somewhere else would be without habit? Not only would you need to be thinking about which direction to go and which turns to make, but you would have to consciously think about turning the key to even start the car and think about buckling up.
I was reminded of this being back down in Florida and driving the Ford Fusion again, a car we keep down there now, but one that I was driving to and from work every day pre-pandemic. To connect to my phone's bluetooth and start an audio book requires a series of button pushes on the audio system. I could literally do this in my sleep previously. Last week I had to remind myself of which menu items I needed to find in order to keep listening to American Dirt. We carve paths through the jungles of our minds with habit. It makes our drives home so simple that we often can't even remember details of the drive at all. It also makes it easier to scoop a bowl of ice cream or pour a glass of wine in order to make ourselves feel better as opposed to going to the gym or taking a run.
Anyway, I need to work on better habits here in Colorado. If you are interested in better habits, this is a great video on them. I also highly recommend the books that got me interested in them in the first place: The Power of Habit and Atomic Habits. Let me know if you have other recommendations!
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